Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Today is Wednesday

Hi. Today is Wednesday. Tomorrow is Thursday and then it's Friday and then it's Saturday. That's how days work.

January happened. And then February. And then March and then April. Now it's May. That's how months work.

And on this coming Saturday in May my life is about to change...again. That's how life works.

The past four months, the past 109 days, I have spent living in Central America. I anticipated this semester changing me. But I didn't anticipate this. I didn't know my body, my heart, to be so expansive. I didn't know I could feel so much. I didn't know, before this semester, how distant I once was, and still must be, from my own fellow beings. Or from the dust from which I was first formed. I had seen beauty and I had known pain. But never had I seen such beauty as I saw in Sontule or at Atitlan. Never had I felt such pain as I did when I listened to Rogelio's testimony. I feel more alive that I ever have. This is what it means to be human.

Sometimes I feel really nervous about going home. Sometimes I get sad thinking that I am on the greatest adventure I will ever know. But the adventure doesn't end in three days with the conclusion of this program.

This semester has just been one chapter of my adventure. It will remain a part of me for the rest of my life. It will continue to shape me. The stories, the faces, the histories have become a part of me. I cannot be separated from this experience. I cannot be separated from my families in Central America. I cannot be separated from those who learned and grew with me. From those who taught me and led me. They are a part of who I have become. And though, throughout my life, I will inevitably change some more, still this experience will remain inextricable from my being. And for that I give thanks.

I wrote a letter to my future self for after I return to the States. It ends with the following. Among the memories I want to keep forever, among the knowledge I've gained, I also want to come home with this in mind:
"Don't stop feeling sad if you feel sad. And it's okay if you are happy. Breathe. And be thankful for that air. Breathe. And remember that you're one of many breathers. Breathe. And think about what you can do with your breath. With your life. With your privilege. Remember the kindness shown to you. Remember the love your families here had for you. Love like that.

Remember that you're not alone. That there are others out there crazy enough to want to try to change things. To believe that things can change.

Try not to forget these things. Keep pushing for change. Be foolish in loving people unconditionally.

And know that you're probably going to mess it up. But that's okay too. Every step is the way.

You will not be this person forever. But I hope you will remember this person."

I'm going to try to go home in the same way I came. That is, without expectations. With an open heart and open mind.

But now, also, with a sense of urgency and a sense of empowerment and hope. In each of these countries we have discovered that it has been university students who have been the ones initiating change, revolution. That's me. What am I doing? What structures am I going to challenge? How am I going to let the youth of these countries (past and present) inspire me to love the world, to work for justice, to become a more aware and active global and local citizen?
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"My hope is not based on ideas. It's based on the youth. I know what is inside a young person. I hope that young people will take on the streets again to make history. I may not get to see a new Nicaragua, a new world. But I am certain that it is you who will create that new world even if I never get to see it." -Padre Fernando Cardenal

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